Sometimes it gets to me. You know the whole incurable chronic constant headache pain thing. Most of the time I’m alright. I smile and focus on the day or even the moment, never thinking about if the weather will swoop in and cancel my plans, again. Most of the time I’m okay.
But sometimes it gets to me. Suddenly I’m transported outside my body and from somewhere on high. From there I can see my life, the big picture or the whole picture, and then it all feels so impossible. . . . and after the bottle tears are all released, a good night’s sleep, some prayer, and usually a few chocolate cookies I’m okay again. Usually my life doesn’t seem any less impossible, I just think “Well, I’ve been the exception to almost every other rule at some point that has to work in my favour, right God?”
I was taught to brave and face every challenge head on and to fight with all I have in me. I was taught that the everything was possible. If you worked hard enough and with a little talent/skill and God’s favour the world was my oyster. And when I was younger I did things and succeeded beyond my dreams. So I believed everything was possible. I just never thought that this too was possible, in spite of the odds.
Even in the world of chronic pain I still went full steam ahead! Just in a bad way. I’m still a very severe case and it is very debilitating. The world is full of a few less possibilites than I thought (and perhaps at the same time a few I more than I thought, too.) . . .
I keep staring at the page trying to put into words what I am thinking or even feeling. I don’t know what to say. I’m a long way from giving up on my dreams in spite of all the impossibilites that lie before me. I’m not done living or trying to slowly build up my pain tolerance or even dreaming . . . it just gets to me sometimes.
Sometimes I need to cry it out. Sometimes I need to feel sad without a doctor in my head asking me if I am slipping into that expected depression. Sometimes I need to be frustrated that I don’t understand what God is doing or why He hasn’t magically stopped it all yet. Sometimes I need to let it all go and not hold my world together so neatly wrapped in a bow. Sometimes it gets to me. And sometimes I don’t want to hear all the niceties or inspiring speeches about how it’s all going to work out in the end. I know it will. Maybe that’s naive of me to say, but it’s what I believe. But right now in the middle of this crazy, probably beautiful, completely unknown mess . . . I just don’t know.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll get up and try again and smile, live in the moment, and once again feel okay. But for now I’ll simply sit here and be still for a moment or two and see what happens.